Many job postings include everyday, mundane language when describing what the employer is looking for in a candidate. Because I run into these terms so frequently, I often wonder what they're really trying to say, the same way the interviewer tries to get inside my head during an interview. I have concluded with definitions for following mundane terms for job requirements:
Please include your salary history: Are you applying with the IRS? Seasoned job seekers know better. Chances are you won't get this job because you'll be too pricey.
Please include your salary requirement: See "Please include your salary history." I mean...come on. Can they make it any more obvious they have a set salary in mind, and not necessarily one that commensurate with your experience if you have a lengthy career? You might as well put "Please include your salary requirement because chances are you will NOT be considered."
Recruiters, DO NOT contact this employer! That is because whoever posted this job IS a recruiter and dammit....don't fuck with their commission!!!
Strong attention to detail: That means no liquid lunches. Don't come back to work buzzed and accidentally overpay a huge number of ex-employees (Hello, Microsoft ).
Bachelor's Degree required and/or a big plus: Employers LOVE peeps with degrees. This is because employers will get the best of both worlds. Having that degree means that some experience has been incurred with internships, and employers can get away with placing a really low price asking price because you're just starting out. They love cheap labor!
Strong computer skills: Do you know what a formula is in Excel? Do you know how to do a word count in Word? Do you know what a slide is in PowerPoint? Most importantly, do you know how find porn on the internet? Do you know how to send useless, non-business related chain letters via company e-mail? If you've answered 'yes' to any of those questions, it's safe to assume your computer skills are strong.
Ability to work independently: The employer doesn't want to be bothered with your pettiness unless it has something to do with making more money for them. You should know how to perform your primary tasks without being needy. And they don't want your friendship. They don't care about your long weekend trip in the Dells or your dog finally being housebroken.
Experience in the industry is preferred, but not required. This is ridiculous. If the employer comes across a candidate who happens to have that desired experience, they will be inclined to interview them, right? That puts you at the bottom of the heap. Don't fall for this tactic.
Strong verbal and written skills: It's all about pussification. They want you to speak Corporate America Pussy Language even though you probably don't speak and write that way in real life.
Strong organizational skills: This means they don't want to see brightly colored post-it notes with your chicken scratch written all over them on your monitor, and even worse...your cubicle walls! This also means they don't want to see pictures of your wild girls or boys night out all over the place as opposed to posting business memos and agendas. That implies you are not serious about your employment. If you're the kind of person that loves to stare at yourself 8 hours a day...don't bother applying.
Company Confidential: see Scamcruiter. Can also be referred to as "Company Scamfidential."
*BONUS WORD*
Scamcruiter™: A recruiter who posts any of the following: fake jobs and bait/switch jobs. A recruiter that contacts you about your potential fit with certain clients but there are no openings, so they try and sell you other services. A recruiter that mysteriously sends you an e-mail about what appears to be a job opening but asks you to respond on a web site. Any recruiter that contacts you because they are "impressed" with your resume and would like to represent you, but in reality they're really trying to pitch you marketing, resume services, resume reviews and other career-related services.
