Narratives of the Disengaged: The Job Search

The best resume I have ever read

I am aware that Craigslist is an awful scary place, but for some reason I was drawn to "The Best of Craigslist." I noticed that someone  posted their resume on there, and let me tell you....I would hire this person in a heartbeat. DISCLAIMER: Full of expletives. If that bothers you, don't click the link and seek mental guidance.

The Best of Craigslist - CV

Put a little twist on your "E-thanks"

I've always sent thank you letters after every interview. It's not because I believe they will cast any magical spell on the recipient and hire me, but because my mama raised me right.

I come across this question from jobseekers across the web, often wondering about whether or not they should follow-up with a thank you note after an interview. First of all, most thank you notes aren't even notes, or letters. The majority of them come in electronic form (call it an "e-thanks" if you will). Even if one decided to go the extra mile and hand write one, there is still never a guarantee that you'll get the job. It all depends on how the recipient perceives it, which you have no control over.

Having said that, I've never been a big fan of sending such correspondence. I do it because it's just a courteous thing to do. However, after my last interview, my e-thanks campaign will be no more. The bottom line is that when you send that note of thanks, the fact remains that you're kissing ass, no matter how hard you may try to dissect this theory. And people love their asses getting kissed. In this day and age, nobody deserves to get their ass kissed. You could, however, put a little twist on your note. Since the employer can probably sense you're kissing ass anyway, hand write something along the lines of:

Dear Prospective Employer (who I know will hire me because of this thank you note):

I would like to sincerely thank for giving me the opportunity to interview for the Account Executive position with The Chicago Tribune Suntimes. Sorry about the typo. I have found the interview to be very informative and my interest in the position remains strong.

I feel that it's important to explain why I have a strong desire to work for your company. My interest really isn't that strong, I'm just desperate for a job. Everyone else has turned me away and you seem nurturing enough to cater to my needs. I need money...plain and simple. I am as smart as you think and I can make a mean ass pot of coffee. I can make copies of my butt like no other, and I'm fluent enough in Photoshop where I can superimpose a picture of Nadya Suleman on my ass. Quite entertaining, but you'll never get an opportunity to see this if you don't hire me.

In conclusion, I need you and you need me. Together, we can seek world domination!

Signed with sunshine kisses and puppy licks,

Judi Sassafrass

"Job coaches" and other "hiring professionals" may advise that sending a thank you note/e-thanks wouldn't hurt, and may even put you at the top of the heap, but I disagree. What would put you at the top of the heap is how well you marketed yourself during the interview. If the prospective employer saw stars in his eyes during the interview, no thank you note is necessary. Your personality and your credentials will speak for themselves.

On the contrary, I've never been a big fan of interviews either. I don't do interviews well because I have to display that ideal "Corporate America attitude" and provide a bunch of pussy language while feverishly explaining how I can be a benefit for the employer. I am forced display the "fake" me, and I've never been any good at faking stuff except for...well....you know....orgasms. That's a girl thing. Anyway....even I was good at presenting the fake me, there is still no guarantee that I will be able to perform the job effectively, from the employer prospective. This is why I am a huge fan of letters of recommendation, because there lies concrete evidence that you were a valuable asset to that company.

My point is I like to be judged based on what I DO, not what I say. I am the type of person who judges people by their actions, and in my naivety I expect people to reserve that type of judgment. I have a feeling that my stance on that issue is somehow being projected in my interviews, so I supplement my chances of getting hired with an e-thanks. I've realized however, if you had an interview that didn't go as planned, or even created some sort of chemistry with the interviewer, no thank you note in the world will save face. You'll have much better luck with letters of recommendation and a great interview.

The Inspiring Story of Daniel Seddiqui

This is the type of story that deserves a post all on its own. It is the story of Daniel Seddiqui, just your typical guy who is out there looking for that perfect job. However, he decided to take a different approach in the job search. Here is an excerpt taken from his web site:

"February 15:

Ok, this has been a long drive.  I’m not even in Wisconsin yet!!!  So far, I’ve seen a lot coming from the South and reaching Chicago.  I started driving through the Delta of Mississippi and then reached Memphis by the evening.  Lots of people from the South talk about how poor the Delta is and I had the chance to see it for myself.  It was definitely a new experience to see lopsided trailers on the cotton fields.  It didn’t look much different than going camping.  Memphis had Graceland and the motel that Martin Luther King was killed.  Then I headed for St. Louis to take a tour of Anheiser-Busch and now I’m typing in Panera near my old home in Wilmette, Illinois. 

I better leave for Wisconsin before it gets too late………"

That doesn't sound much like he's job searching...right? Actually, he is. His mission is to work 50 different jobs in 50 different states.

He provided an interview via telephone to my local news station. The news anchors asked him if he had any job offers. He replied that not only did he get job offers, but book and television deals. I'd much rather read a book about his adventures than read about Octo-Idiot-Mom any day of the week.

To read more about this incredible story and follow his journey, please visit his web site:

Living The Map - 50 Jobs in 50 States

Do You Know How to Find Porn on the Internet? You're hired!

Many job postings include everyday, mundane language when describing what the employer is looking for in a candidate. Because I run into these terms so frequently, I often wonder what they're really trying to say, the same way the interviewer tries to get inside my head during an interview. I have concluded with definitions for following mundane terms for job requirements:

Please include your salary history: Are you applying with the IRS? Seasoned job seekers know better. Chances are you won't get this job because you'll be too pricey.

Please include your salary requirement: See "Please include your salary history." I mean...come on. Can they make it any more obvious they have a set salary in mind, and not necessarily one that commensurate with your experience if you have a lengthy career? You might as well put "Please include your salary requirement because chances are you will NOT be considered."

Recruiters, DO NOT contact this employer! That is because whoever posted this job IS a recruiter and dammit....don't fuck with their commission!!!

Strong attention to detail: That means no liquid lunches. Don't come back to work buzzed and accidentally overpay a huge number of ex-employees (Hello, Microsoft ).

Bachelor's Degree required and/or a big plus: Employers LOVE peeps with degrees. This is because employers will get the best of both worlds. Having that degree means that some experience has been incurred with internships, and employers can get away with placing a really low price asking price because you're just starting out. They love cheap labor!

Strong computer skills: Do you know what a formula is in Excel? Do you know how to do a word count in Word? Do you know what a slide is in PowerPoint? Most importantly, do you know how find porn on the internet? Do you know how to send useless, non-business related chain letters via company e-mail? If you've answered 'yes' to any of those questions, it's safe to assume your computer skills are strong.

Ability to work independently: The employer doesn't want to be bothered with your pettiness unless it has something to do with making more money for them. You should know how to perform your primary tasks without being needy. And they don't want your friendship. They don't care about your long weekend trip in the Dells or your dog finally being housebroken.

Experience in the industry is preferred, but not required. This is ridiculous. If the employer comes across a candidate who happens to have that desired experience, they will be inclined to interview them, right? That puts you at the bottom of the heap. Don't fall for this tactic.

Strong verbal and written skills: It's all about pussification. They want you to speak Corporate America Pussy Language even though you probably don't speak and write that way in real life.

Strong organizational skills: This means they don't want to see brightly colored post-it notes with your chicken scratch written all over them on your monitor, and even worse...your cubicle walls! This also means they don't want to see pictures of your wild girls or boys night out all over the place as opposed to posting business memos and agendas. That implies you are not serious about your employment. If you're the kind of person that loves to stare at yourself 8 hours a day...don't bother applying.

Company Confidential: see Scamcruiter. Can also be referred to as "Company Scamfidential."

*BONUS WORD*

Scamcruiter™: A recruiter who posts any of the following: fake jobs and bait/switch jobs. A recruiter that contacts you about your potential fit with certain clients but there are no openings, so they try and sell you other services. A recruiter that mysteriously sends you an e-mail about what appears to be a job opening but asks you to respond on a web site. Any recruiter that contacts you because they are "impressed" with your resume and would like to represent you, but in reality they're really trying to pitch you marketing, resume services, resume reviews and other career-related services.

29West

Last week I started the Resume to Nowhere project, where I would sent only cover letters to prospective employers, provided that my qualifications match their requirements. There was one job posting on Careerbuilder that got me suspicious. As I checked out the actual company web site, there is no such position listed.

Rather than send a cover letter, I submitted an inquiry instead:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing in response to the Administrative Assistant position with 29West. I originally saw the position listed on Careerbuilder (link is provided):

http:urlblahblah

I checked your company web site and there is no such position listed. Recently there have been a colossal amount of recruiters acting as representatives for that company just for informational purposes, and I am just making certain that this position is legitimate before sending my credentials.

Your response is greatly appreciated.

Judi

That's a legitimate question, right? I even made sure that I provided a reason for my reluctance to heed their initial request.

Unfortunately, there is still no response from 29West this company as of this writing. This tells me:

a) My inquiry was never read because it immediately got dumped into a database. The e-mail address was a generic jobs at company dot com.

b) My e-mail was read and quickly deleted. People cannot be bothered with such "petty" requests. There's some juicy office gossip going on and they don't want to miss one word of it!

c) My e-mail was quickly read and deleted. It's easier to ignore it rather than struggle to find an answer as to why they can't follow through with a simple request. How do you say you're being rude in a discreet way?

d) It was really a scamcruiter who posted the job on Careerbuilder, acting on the company's "behalf."

Good job, 29West. Based on your lack of response and inability to follow through with a simple request, you definitely sound like an employer I would not want to work for.

Reason No. 299494939495 why I don't post my resume online

I am wondering if anyone else heard about Monster.com's recent security breach? This wasn't exactly a headline in the media, that I can recall. I only found out about this when I went to monster.com's home page just now...

(This just goes to show you how often I visit Monster)

Info about Monster.com's security breach

My name is apparently Roland Burris

The other day I checked my inbox for my little experiment. I received an auto-generated e-mail from the paper who I've applied a job through. It said:

Have you heard back from the employer for the Advertising position? The employer may not have seen your resume. Unless you do something to stand out from the competition, odds are you won't be considered for this position. Here's what we can do for you: 1) Call and email out client, 2) Put your resume at the top of the stack, 3) Match you with other employers looking for your skill set, 4) Highlight you for other jobs you apply to via the DH for the next 90 days.

It included a link that says "Click here to learn how you can highlight yourself."

So naturally....I clicked!

And when I clicked, I was not surprised to see that it lead me to a form to complete asking for information that they do not need whatsoever. As I was looking at the form closer...take a guess what it said at the top?

"Yes, Highlight my resume to this employer and others for only $39.95"

Wow!!!

Really?

That must be a BARGAIN!!

Are they trying to tell me that this a deal of a lifetime? Do other places charge more? I suspect that if I give this paper the money they want, they will work feverishly hard to "highlight" me as one of the best candidates. Maybe even a seat in the U.S. Senate! I feel like I'm role-playing with the paper acting as Blagojevich and I'm playing the part of Roland Burris.

In fact, let's translate the following:

"Yes, Highlight my resume to this employer and others for only $39.95"

Translation: This is a f*cking golden opportunity, I'm not going to give it away for f*ckin' nothing!

Ha. For 40 bucks, I'd rather invest it in the following:

- a new outfit for interviewing purposes
- resume paper and other supplies
- a new ink cartridge to print my resumes
- a carton of smokes
- a two week supply of food for my dogs
- other groceries

These are all items where I know I will get some sort of return for my investment. I refuse to pay someone money in the hopes of getting a job. Let your skills do the talking folks....not your money.

Resume Not Required, Inc.

Looks like someone's been reading my blog.

This is a company of "premiere job agents" (resumenotrequired.com) that provide innovative advice of helping jobseekers with their job search. They insist that resumes are not the way to go in landing that perfect job, and offers other ideas to jobseekers as to how they can stand out in the job market.

But that innovative advice comes with a price.

Being the skeptical belle that I am, I immediately headed to Better Business Bureau's web site. Somehow I wasn't shocked when I learned that they are NOT accredited with the BBB and they already have one complaint on their selling practices from one office that opened in July, 2008. Their overall rating was a C-. Link provided:

BBB report on Resume Not Required, Inc.

I mean, come on people. I don't (and never will!) charge anyone for offering such advice. Go with your gut...and save your money along the way.

Resume of George W. Bush

This is was taken from Kavandeo Entertainment's blog. I have elected to copy/paste this here because there's an annoying ad that opens another window when you go to the site. If that doesn't bother you, click the link. Otherwise, continue reading.

Funny stuff (or not, if you're a Bush supporter. Even if you are...laugh anyway, dammit!)

**************************

RESUME: GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

LAW ENFORCEMENT:

* I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I plead guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver’s license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been ‘lost’ and is not available.

MILITARY:

* I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam .

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

* I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

* I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
* I began my career in the oil business in Midland , Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas . The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
* I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
* With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry
(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas .

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS :

* I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union . During my tenure, Houston  replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America .
* I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of
billions in borrowed money.
* I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
* With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my
father’s appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States , after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

* I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

* I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
*I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
* I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
* I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
* I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
* In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.
* I’m proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My ‘poorest millionaire, ‘ Condoleezza
Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
* I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S.
President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.
* My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
* I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
* More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
* I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed..
* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
* I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
* I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.
* I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.
* I’ve broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
* I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
* I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
* I refused to allow inspector’s access to U.S. ‘prisoners of war’ detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
* I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
* I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
* I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
* After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
* I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
* I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
* I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.
* I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
* In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
* I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
* I am supporting development of a nuclear ‘Tactical Bunker Buster,’ aWMD.
* I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father’s library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
* All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President attended, regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

* I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

Stuck at the airport? United Airlines doesn't care

United Airlines has announced they are getting rid of their customer service phone line altogether. If you have a beef, then you need to take it to e-mail or do it the old fashion way and send postal mail.

United Airlines eradicates phone-in customer complaints

United Airlines told the public that they can't deal with the bitching anymore, in a discreet way, of course. I have a sneaky feeling that all other companies will follow suit, most notably Comcast, who currently ranks #2 as having the worst customer service.

I know for certain that being a CSR is not an easy job. There are a scary amount of customers who call with complaints full of expletives and insults, expecting to resolve their matters at that very moment. It is the type of job I would never do because I just do not have that kind of patience to deal with such idiotic behavior. In retail, it's even worse. This reminds me of a story....

I had a brief gig at a department store a couple of years ago. It was a way for me to get out of the house and earn some money. I thought that my tolerance level would be enough to overcome the insanities people so proudly display, but it wasn't. One day I had a lady yelling at me because she lost her credit card. I had a long line of people to ring up, while  at the same time I was feeling sympathetic to her situation, as I was trying to put myself in her place. After I had given her all available options in locating her card, that wasn't good enough for her and said she wanted to speak to my manager. Well, that was enough for me to retort with, "You can speak to my manager, but just remember it wasn't MY fault you lost your credit card!"

Needless to say, I knew that retail was definitely something that wasn't meant for me. I am more tolerant as a "client relations" girl, where the industry I'm in is not on a public scale, and I'm free to use my own discretion as far as how I can best serve that client.  In a public scale, anything goes, and the CS on the other end is limited by scripts, because the big boys said so. While I do not condone the bad behavior from customers, I can't seem to find any faults as to why they're so angry. The CSR's only go a by a script, and anything beyond that script basically means the customer is screwed. Much thanks to the big companies across the country who put a new meaning to "customer service."

I'm not sure what United Airlines was thinking when they decided to restrict customer complaints to e-mail. Anyone in the job market knows when a resume is submitted online via a generic e-mail address, it doesn't go anywhere or to anyone. So if you're stuck at the airport and have access to a computer, you can e-mail your complaint and it goes into the big black hole of nowhere....just like resumes. Looks like you'll be stuck at the airport a lot longer than you thought.