It won't.
My blog has too much sarcasm (and *gasp* some truth) for any employer to take me seriously. And you know what...that's okay. That is because my blog was never intended to be used as a supplement to my resume. As a matter of fact, I'm trying my hardest to kill off my resume, but it remains to be a very slow death. I am wondering if there are any resume hitmen, because I'm willing to pay top dollar...in monopoly money. It's all I have, but it's good!
On the contrary, my blog does help me in other ways. For example, it allows me to document any schemes that I've devised in my head. I am fully supportive of radical, innovative thinking. If you're the type that actually follows through with your plan, then I would have to marry you. Unless, of course, it involves killing people, which may not be the greatest idea and very unlikely you will get the job, unless your name is Dr. Doom. He is the only exception to the rule.
I am referring to sketching out ideas and constantly looking for innovative approaches to the job search. It's brutal out there, for sure. This is especially the case with Craigslist (you can stop cringing now). While seasoned job seekers are fully aware that Craigslist is the *last* place they would search to find any kind of legitimate job, it can be used as an outlet to showcase your talent and/or ideas. Craigslist isn't just for hookers and call girls anymore, folks!
For some godly reason, I went over to the "resumes" section on Craigslist. I'm not really sure why, but I was certainly appalled that so many people are willing to post private information. By that, I mean e-mail addresses...and phone numbers! It's almost as if these folks are asking for trouble. They might as well say, 'yes...I LOVE spam! It's the only kind of attention I get these days! Spam away!' Having said that, then they deserve to be spammed. What are they thinking? I was going to let these people off the hook had they provided an e-mail address only....but phone numbers too???! All I can say is, I wish them a plentiful amount of bad luck in their "get rich pyramid schemes" because they asked for it and that is the only type of response they will ever get.
Well not I. I built up enough nerve to post my resume, but not in redundant fashion. After all, how many times have you seen countless number of job postings, some lengthy than they out to be, some very strict with wording, and some just outright ridiculous? Day in and day out, the job hunt gets mundane, boring, and job postings are all sounding to be like a broken record. I decided to turn things around. In this market, anything goes, and at this point, I've got nothing to lose. I've decided to write my resume as a job posting seeking the ideal employer. Behold:
Seasoned executive assistant in search of an employer who routinely
practices integrity, collaborative practices, innovative strategy, and
the ability to achieve results. You must be able to support those with
a creative spirit and inhabit the kind of work ethic that is genuinely
caring and non-toxic. You must be able to make the distinction of not
taking yourself too seriously, but know how to get the job done at the
same time.
MINIMUM QUALIFICATIONS
- You must be a small to mid-size company
- A minimum of 25 years in the industry
- Must be a BBB accredited business.
- Those in the private sector strongly preferred.
- You must have the ability to exercise independent judgment and basic reasoning skills.
- Have ongoing training and seminars for your employees.
- Be a good listener.
- Any industry that deals with Advertising and/or Media Relations strongly preferred, but not required.
- Routinely exercises in good judgment and discretion.
- Be willing to compensate the prospective employee in accordance with their experience.
- A fast-paced environment is preferred, but not required. I previously worked with a newspaper so I am adept to working under deadline.
- MUST have an excellent sense of humor.
The ideal candidate will receive in return:
- Demonstrated advanced proficiency level in Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and Outlook.
- Compelling verbal, written, and interpersonal expertise.
- Working knowledge of Photoshop, specifically photo retouching and manipulation.
- Working knowledge of desktop publishing
- Some HTML and CSS (formatting)
- Project/database/record/calendar management.
- Strong organizational skills. (I like to write down stuff and hang post-it notes all over my desk. All business-related. If you’re not a fan of post-it notes, then I highly suggest you stop reading NOW).
- A cheerful, pleasant, jovial employee that would probably brighten your day. I like to laugh. A lot. I have achieved an impeccable balance between joking around and getting the job done in a timely and efficient manner. You must appreciate that. If you don’t…thank you for applying and please drive through.
I am NOT an EOJA (Equal Opportunity Job Applicant). Spamcruiters,
Scamcruiters and Bots are NOT encouraged to apply, and if you do
anyway, you will be publicly humiliated. If you do not meet the minimum
qualifications, don’t bother applying. Your company will be fully
researched (BBB.org, Snopes, etc.) before I decide to respond.
Have a fabulous day!!
Since yesterday, I got spammed by "entrepreneur" Jason Secrest, who promises a six-figure income; Scott Lodor, whose signature includes "earn 5-10k monthly"; a scamruiter who replied with "interesting ad!" yet spammed me about her GEM staffing agency. Since these people are only out to rip off desperate jobseekers, I feel no shame whatsoever in making their presence known publicly. It can be argued that it could work the other way around. Legitimate hiring managers can argue they do not publicly humiliate applicants that do not meet the job requirements, so why would it be different on the opposite side of the coin? Simple...when was the last time you heard anything about a job applicant that scammed a hiring manager and/or recruiters out of hundreds...or even thousands...of dollars?
I don't expect to get any serious inquiries from my ad on Craigslist. But it makes for a good laugh. I may even get a nomination for "Best of Craigslist!" I'm SO putting that on my resume if that turns out to be the case!
