A day in the life of a job seeker comes the redundant task of completing job applications. Some of them are cut and dry, meaning they only ask for basic information, employment history, education, and call it a day. Then there are applications that would make one second guess if they are applying for a job....or a mortgage. Really, is all that information necessary? No. It's absolutely not.
I came across a job posting earlier for an Executive Secretary with a non-for-profit organization. Upon first glance the ad was very wordy, complimented with 20-point bold-type fonts. My immediate reaction is that they must have one helluva job application process. I scrolled down to the application procedure, which basically instructs the job applicant that they *MUST* complete their job application or they will *NOT* be considered. You must send it by e-mail. Faxed or snail mailed copies will not be considered! Well, my goodness. You might as well beat me with a whip right now. Or make me do 100 push-ups. SIR, YES SIR!
Just for poops and giggles, I went to their web site as instructed and reviewed their application. As I suspected, they want your entire life story. They would also like your social security number, because as noted on the top of the application, "Leaving any question/section blank may disqualify applicant from consideration of employment." Oh, okay. So I'm just going to throw around my social security number like a used cigarette butt to a group of people I don't know, with no guarantee that I'll be considered for the role. And since this is over e-mail, it's too easy to delete/ignore, and leaves the potential for a "gifted" individual to hack into their system just to gain this valuable information for their own fortune. Yes, I'm referring to identity theft. I digress.
So as I scroll towards the bottom of the application, I find a bulleted list of their entire interviewing process. I must be applying for a mortgage, or some kind of loan...I'm almost positive. Granted, some items are standard. But bear in mind, the job is for an EXECUTIVE SECRETARY. Let's review their interviewing process, shall we?
"Please note the pre-employment screening items below that you will be required to pass prior to being hired:
- Interview
- Reference Checks
- Physical Examination - Hold the phone. Do I have to be perfectly healthy to be considered for employment? This job is not with a hospital, it's a non-for-profit organization. Are they worried that I might infect their employees with my cooties? Not that I have cooties, but still....am I disqualified if I've been diagnosed with the (fake) Swine Flu? Am I disqualified if I'm diabetic, asthmatic, or whatever kind of "ic?" This IS for an Administrative position, right? We're not talking any heavy labor, right?
- Physical Agility Test - I am not a fucking dog. Again, I ask: this IS for an Administrative position....right? What exactly are you checking for? Are you checking to see how well I can jump through loops? Will you award me with a doggie biscuit on a job well done? What the fuck is the point of this? I oughta bite your ass off.
- Criminal Background Check
- Driver Abstract Check
- Drug Screen
- Career Ethnic Inventory - This is what threw me over the edge. I do not know what this is, nor have I ever heard of it, but I suspect it's something that some clueless "HR Professional" implemented this in the effort to keep his or her job (Please refer to The Year is 1990: What the f*ck is a Human Resources Dept.? blog post for more information). It sounds highly irrelevant, and in no way reflects any indication how well the job applicant can perform the job. In fact, this sounds very discriminatory.
- Skill Competency Test
- Other as deemed necessary by Hiring Company - this is the part where they ask for your firstborn.
In addition, let's not forget the latest rage of HR's favorite means of background checking a job applicant...good 'ol Google! They heavily rely on the Google background check because they're certain they will find some digital dirt, and by default, disqualifies you for the job. Even if someone were to fully complete this application and go through the motions of the screening process in its entirety, the minute the recruiter finds an unflattering college photo of you on Facebook, you're fired before you're even hired. You just released your life story for absolutely no reason.
I'm certain "hiring professionals" will balk at my display of acrimony over such a ridiculous screening process, arguing that it is necessary to weed out candidates that do not qualify. Who exactly are they weeding out....candidates that committed ANY kind of a sin? Candidates that had stolen a candy bar when they were 13? Candidates who even THOUGHT about stealing a candy bar? Candidates who cut class in high school? Candidates who got a speeding ticket? Candidates who can't jump through agility loops? Candidates who are not perfectly in good health? Candidates who did not qualify in the "Career Ethnic Inventory?" (whatever the fuck that is.) Wow. Discriminate, much?
I suppose if I was applying for a highly classified role that involved heavy amounts of driving and lifting, I'd be more forgiving. Otherwise, this type of oppressive assessment implies nothing more than ultimate superiority and an extremely anal employer who I have no desire to work for. Plus, I wouldn't qualify anyway, for I have commited LOTS of sins (some I'm proud of, others....not so much). But it sure inspires me to write heart-warming letter of conjecture to their human resources department.
