Narratives of the Disengaged: The Job Search

Follow-Up to Those Who Wanted My Firstborn

I was so disheartened with the job application I encountered yesterday (see the blog post from yesterday) that it propelled me to relay my thoughts to their human resources department. I realize that by doing so, it has automatically defaulted any chances of being considered for the role...any role for that matter, with that particular organization.

As if I'm distraught over it. Or even care.

As I've stated earlier, with plenty of professional references and a healthy and extensive set of credentials, I'm really not too concerned what the HR folks think of me. More often than not, someone's initial reaction of me is way off base. For example, I look every bit Latino. I have olive skin, brown hair, and brown eyes. The truth is, I don't have an ounce of Latino blood in me. My point is, if people are quick to make inaccurate assumptions over my nationality, how can I possibly ever to expect them to know what kind of work ethic I have, or what kind of a team player I am, and/or whether or not I am capable to handle all the primary tasks a particular job description lists?

Back to the letter....having said all that, I have decided to write a letter to relay my thoughts on their application and pre-employment screening process. One of the very many reasons I wrote this is because I keep getting the uneasy feeling that employers/hiring authorities enjoy watching job applicants jump through all sorts of hurdles by implementing various requests, some that make sense, some that don't. And since employers are well aware how constricted the job market is, they have the power to instill any kind of criteria they want, because they know job applicants will conform to them without question, just for a chance of getting a job. While all I am saying may be way off base, but by reading the job application procedure, it sure the hell seems that way, and I feel I have every right to question it.

Enclosed is the actual e-mail I sent to their human resources department:

Job Applications: Do You Want My Firstborn, too?

A day in the life of a job seeker comes the redundant task of completing job applications. Some of them are cut and dry, meaning they only ask for basic information, employment history, education, and call it a day. Then there are applications that would make one second guess if they are applying for a job....or a mortgage. Really, is all that information necessary? No. It's absolutely not.

I came across a job posting earlier for an Executive Secretary with a non-for-profit organization. Upon first glance the ad was very wordy, complimented with 20-point bold-type fonts. My immediate reaction is that they must have one helluva job application process. I scrolled down to the application procedure, which basically instructs the job applicant that they *MUST* complete their job application or they will *NOT* be considered. You must send it by e-mail. Faxed or snail mailed copies will not be considered! Well, my goodness. You might as well beat me with a whip right now. Or make me do 100 push-ups. SIR, YES SIR!

Just for poops and giggles, I went to their web site as instructed and reviewed their application. As I suspected, they want your entire life story. They would also like your social security number, because as noted on the top of the application, "Leaving any question/section blank may disqualify applicant from consideration of employment." Oh, okay. So I'm just going to throw around my social security number like a used cigarette butt to a group of people I don't know, with no guarantee that I'll be considered for the role. And since this is over e-mail, it's too easy to delete/ignore, and leaves the potential for a "gifted" individual to hack into their system just to gain this valuable information for their own fortune. Yes, I'm referring to identity theft. I digress.

So as I scroll towards the bottom of the application, I find a bulleted list of their entire interviewing process. I must be applying for a mortgage, or some kind of loan...I'm almost positive. Granted, some items are standard. But bear in mind, the job is for an EXECUTIVE SECRETARY. Let's review their interviewing process, shall we?

Top 10 Reasons Why the Unemployed Deserves the Nobel Peace Prize

As with the majority, I fail to understand why Obama was suddenly awarded one of the most highest and prestigious awards in the world, all without much notice, but plenty of surprise, even for Obama. In listening to Obama's speech recently on his thoughts, even he remarked how surprised he was....and was caught totally off guard.

Well, Mr. President, I must say that I am just as surprised as you are. I don't know this for certain, but I'm almost positive that other job seekers feel the same way I do.

Speaking from an unemployed perspective, I was really hoping that he would follow through on his campaign promise regarding job creation. Instead, I got more money in my unemployment check. At this point, I would prefer to give back the supplemented increase in exchange for a job that would bring me a steady income. The surplus really doesn't mean anything to me, because eventually it will come to an end...in a matter of a few months. With that in mind, I don't understand the whole 'Obama deserves a Nobel' thing, because it's certainly NOT for job creation.

As long as we're on the subject of awarding the Nobel Peace Prize for just any old shit, I honestly believe the unemployed certainly deserves the top honor. Here are the top ten reasons why:

10. We have to deal with the bullshit "advice" given by career coaches and master resume writers who's only in it to make money for themselves.

9. Dealing with long lines at the unemployment office. That ALONE is Nobel-worthy!

8. It'll make one hell of a status update on your LinkedIn profile.

7. If you are a Michigan resident . Definitely Noble-worthy.

6. We could use the monetary award that comes with it. Especially Michigan residents.

5. And then we can use the monetary award to devise a system to eradicate all the "work-at-home" spammers on the internet via spontaneous combustion upon their first post.

4. Would provide bragging rights at the next Pink Slip Mixer function.

3. Job seekers can stand on the street corner wearing the prize on their chest instead of using sandwich boards that say, "Hire Me."

2. The look on a recruiter's face when you tell them you are a recent recipient of the Noble Peace Prize: PRICELESS.

And the number 1 reason:

1. That staple of accomplishment would definitely land an interview for the job seeker!

Notice, I did NOT say, "land you a job." Of course you're still not going to get hired because with that comes compensation that correlates with your fine achievement, and employers nowadays are all about cheap labor. However, imagine adding that prize on your resume under "List of Accomplishments." There is no way a hiring manager would ever pass that up, at least for the opportunity to interview you to see how the mind of a Nobel Peace Prize winner ticks. You could very easily get away with making up some inspiring story, based on what you plan to do in terms of benefiting your potential employer. After all, Obama got away with it.

I support granting this award to unemployed folks all across the globe. After all, haven't we been through enough bullshit?

Chicago 2016: Congratulations Mayor Daley! Now You Know How *I* Feel

Dear Mayor Daley:

Hi. Are you drunk yet?

Oh, the heartache. That rejecting feeling. Such a shame for you, as you've worked so hard preparing for the moment when you would finally cash in on the world's top prize. You've done everything right, and planned it so carefully. You've practiced your speeches, your presentations, and contacted the big guns to use as professional references. You've practiced for two years, only for it to slam in your face by the rest of the world. In a nutshell, the IOC pretty much told you: 'you're nowhere near as perfect as you think you are, even with The President as a reference.'

I know the feeling. Speaking from a job seeking perspective, I have had doors slammed in my face since 2004.

Of course, I have to point out some key differences: first, I have never screwed anyone over. I've never used my employer's funds for my own selfish reasons. I have never "bought" my way into certain job roles, and will readily admit to wrongdoing if I know I am guilty of it. My opposition is minimal at best, and to my knowledge, my reputation and my credentials are intact. Can YOU say the same thing about yourself, Mr. Mayor?

I can, however, relate to your loss. You see, I provided three professional references and three letters of recommendation during a job interview I had earlier last month. Even though none of those references came from The President or from Oprah, I figured I had a good chance of landing an offer. I was very polished during the interview, and provided sharp, on-the-point answers to all of the questions. To date, I have yet received a response (even AFTER sending two e-mails) on whether I'm still being considered for the position. At least you were able to find out immediately by being the first city to get eliminated. I'm still in freakin' limbo!

However, I have had previous interviews where I was SURE something good was to come of them. Like you, I practiced my interviews, polished my presentation, and put together any ammunition (references) I had well ahead of the scheduled interview. I made sure that I wouldn't do anything stupid during the interview, such as yawning....oh wait, that doesn't apply to you....well, anyway...I did everything right, but still was not awarded the job. It's so frustrating, isn't it, Mr. Mayor? I'm certain you are content in your heart that you did everything right, too. I'm pretty sure you thought at one time, 'well how can Chicago possibly lose? We're doing everything right -- we have the President and Oprah! What more do you want out of me?'

Apparently, Mr. Mayor, the IOC indeed wanted MORE out of you, just like my previous interviewees wanted more out of me. Perhaps you can use the events of today as a time to reflect. You've spent a lot of time telling the world how pretty of a city Chicago is, but how will the Olympics benefit? What are the advantages of hosting the Olympics in Chicago, aside from the Oprah factor? These are questions you should have been prepared to answer, Mr. Mayor. Take it from someone who knows. Since 2004.

They say everything happens for a reason. Perhaps your reasons are more prevalent and climatic than mine. At any rate, being rejected sucks. Being rejected by the rest of the world sucks even more, but at least you know what I've gone through, from tears to heartaches to more tears. I'd take my rejection much better if I had Oprah on my side, so at least you have that going for you.

Congratulations on your well deserved loss.

With love,

JS

My Wish List

During my highly nerving reign of unemployment, I have proposed a wish list of things to acquire and projects to endeavor once I start to have a steady flow of income. I'm a girl with huge dreams and java-flavored kisses! So, while I will not disclose ALL of my dreamy-like items, I figured it would be best to jot down some of them. Knowing me, I will forget them later. They are, in no particular order:

• a grooler. How cool would that be? I will be the first on the block to have one.
• Fake acrylic nails with gaudy colors and stupid smiley faces. Maybe some glitter thrown in. The base color has to be really dark, like gray or black. Superb!
• Start my own publication company. My first magazine would be titled, "Fuck Off Ken Lewis , Nobody Will Miss You."
• Bring Michael Jackson back from the dead.
• Have a memorial service for Saturn
• Construct a pep rally for the City of Chicago when they are (hopefully) announced as the LOSING city for the 2016 Summer Olympics. This would be an excellent reason to celebrate, and taxpayer money would NOT be affected in the construction/production costs.
• Bribe Barbara Streisand into retirement...for GOOD.
• Build a nice little cabin in the middle of Dumbfuck, Nowhere, throw Kanye West in there and throw away the keys for good.
• Which brings me to my second magazine titled, "Fuck Off Kanye West, Nobody Will Miss You."
• Develop an application that would force the spammers and spam bots into spontaneous combustion upon their introductory tweet on Twitter.
• Bribe a politician to end the Swine Flu. That way, I won't be spammed by the likes of Walgreens and media outlets just to get me to spend more money on a vaccine that may or may not work.

Plus much more! The sooner I can land a job, the sooner I can pursue my dreams!

Resumes v. Cover Letters: A Love Story

I have just figured out why so many job seekers have an incredibly hard time landing a gig, and it's not always because they are not a good fit or because they accidentally tooted during an interview. In this day and age, hiring professionals don't really know of what the perfect "fit" really is, but they are sure quick to point out their exasperations.

I, too, wish to point out my vexations, starting with ever popular debate of resumes vs. cover letters. I was bored one day and decided to collaborate different replies from various hiring "professionals" (I use quotes for a reason) to see if I could find any kind of a pattern of which method was best. In the end, my head was spinning, and was highly tempted to throw my laptop out the window. I didn't because I kind of like my laptop. I digress.

Mind you, I haven't even cracked a third of the internet. The following comments were gathered from various blogs, newspaper articles, and job forums. All from hiring "professionals" unless otherwise indicated. My comments are in regular text. By the way, names have been omitted ONLY out of courtesy (which is, kind of a shame, because I believe if you post on an open and public forum along with your name, it's considered public record and open to scrutiny). None of these comments have been edited for grammar and spelling, as I refuse to correct someone else's' idiocy. Read on...

10 Things that Scream 'I Sincerely Don't Want Work For You'

I am a stickler when it comes to time management, and regard such as a very precious commodity. If I feel I'm wasting time on repetitous things, I get perplexed. Ok, cranky. I especially find it irritating when other people take advantage of my time, as if I have nothing better to do. The truth is, I really don't, but others don't really have to know that.

Another thing that chafes me is arrogance. An attitude that exults superiority. What happens if you mix 'arrogance' and 'time-waster' together? An ostentatious work environment. No thanks, I'll pass.

It's funny to me how there are enormous amounts of articles written online and in print about what turns off hiring managers and recruiters during a job interview. Jobseekers are reminded constantly about the ruler to the hand if you dare say or do the wrong things during an interview. Hiring managers take full advantage of the ball being in their court, and with that, comes pompous attitudes in some cases. Where are articles on that, I wonder? Are jobseekers to believe that interviewees are masters of perfection and they should be viewed separately from the company as a whole? Are we to believe that their actions should not reflect the opinions of the company?

One of the major pet peeves from hiring managers during interviews is arrogance. I can agree with that, but here lies a shocker: it works both ways.

Below are ten warning signals that I take into account as far as potential employment with a company. Please note: these elements are based on ACTUAL events that took place during past interviews:

More Job Interview DON'T's

I came across this video of the Step Brothers. I love how they harass the HR lady. This reminds me of one my earlier blog posts. Funny!

Poem for 8.5% (8.1% Revisited)

This is "Poem for 8.1% Revisited" It's the same poem I published last month only this time the index has been changed to reflect current information. Also, I revamped the last four lines. No, not proud. Too tired to think of an entirely different poem. Most likely, I will have that opportunity next month.

**************************************

It was reported on my news just today
that even MORE jobs have willfully gone astray
I can't say that I'm surprised by this
because everyone around me is getting a diss

Damn you employers, we know you don't care
A large part of me thinks you're full of hot air.
Kids and pets everywhere need to be fed
and now we have to struggle to pay for bread

Actually, my situation is not that bad
But there are others who are hungry and sad
More people losing their cars and their homes
Or they're just thinking in awe, and talking to gnomes

Off to the unemployment office I go!
There's a long line - I cringe and I woe
I look around to find people as cranky as me
Wondering if this is the way things are supposed to be.

I couldn't wait anymore, my patience has run dry
I've grown bitter and cranky and left wondering why.
I've now realized what makes the employers tick
especially YOU, <omitted>, for your pathetic tactic.

I spend much of my time watching tv and the news
clean house, do the laundry and making some stews.
This is what my typical day is like
But I don't approve, and not good for my psych.

I feverishly peruse the Monsters, the Careerbuilders, and other useless boards
Because there is a little bit of hope - but in the end, they're ALL whores.
I network and spread the word to everyone I encounter
The only response I get is, "My company's not hiring - since when you're for hire?"

I could start my own business, and be happy that way
That idea got nixed - where is the money so I can pay?
No one will buy anything, except for staples,
and buy that I mean, milk, bread, and maybe some apples.

To you, 8.5%, I know you have no control
over this madness of letting the good people go
Now we shall expect profit margins to rise
while I'm secretly wishing for these company's demise.

Karma is everything, or so I'm told,
what comes around, goes around, and I soon will find gold.
I'm not really good at poems as you can tell,
but this isn't to say that I soon will prevail.

Back in the day, job searching wasn't that hard
There were jobs, good resumes, and the interview- you're hired.
There's no such things as a "strategy" as some job coaches will say
Because these are the folks that take advantage of unemployed, go away!!

For those with jobs, I hope you have sense
You could be next - there goes your dollars and cents.
Be nice to those around you, a smile goes a long way.
Because one day you may find your job gone and astray.

To you, 8.5%, these are tough times
we've been through this before, but this time
with crappy rhymes.

Be happy, be strong, and don't lose faith
Eat cookies, your veggies, and probably some cake.
Don't lose hope and submerse in some joy
When things will turn around, that means 'oh joy!'

Poem for 8.1%

It was reported on my news just today
that more jobs have willfully gone astray
I can't say that I'm surprised by this
because everyone around me is getting a diss

Damn you employers, we know you don't care
A large part of me thinks you're full of hot air.
Kids and pets everywhere need to be fed
and now we have to struggle to pay for bread

Actually, my situation is not that bad
But there are others who are hungry and sad
More people losing their cars and their homes
Or they're just thinking in awe, and talking to gnomes

Off to the unemployment office I go!
There's a long line - I cringe and I woe
I look around to find people as cranky as me
Wondering if this is the way things are supposed to be.

I couldn't wait anymore, my patience has run dry
I've grown bitter and cranky and left wondering why.
I've now realized what makes the employers tick
especially YOU, Money Mailer, for your pathetic tactic.

I spend much of my time watching tv and the news
clean house, do the laundry and making some stews.
This is what my typical day is like
But I don't approve, and not good for my psych.

I feverishly peruse the Monsters, the Careerbuilders, and other useless boards
Because there is a little bit of hope - but in the end, they're ALL whores.
I network and spread the word to everyone I encounter
The only response I get is, "My company's not hiring - since when you're for hire?"

I could start my own business, and be happy that way
That idea got nixed - where is the money so I can pay?
No one will buy anything, except for staples,
and buy that I mean, milk, bread, and maybe some apples.

To you, 8.1%, I know you have no control
over this madness of letting the good people go
Now we shall expect profit margins to rise
while I'm secretly wishing for these company's demise.

Karma is everything, or so I'm told,
what comes around, goes around, and I soon will find gold.
I'm not really good at poems as you can tell,
but this isn't to say that I soon will prevail.

Back in the day, job searching wasn't that hard
There were jobs, good resumes, and the interview- you were hired.
There's no such things as a "strategy" as some job coaches will say
Because these are the folks that take advantage of unemployed, go away!!

For those with jobs, I hope you have sense
You could be next - there goes your dollars and cents.
Be nice to those around you, a smile goes a long way.
Because one day you may find your job gone and astray.

To you, 8.1%, these are tough times
we've been through this before, but this time
with crappy rhymes.

Be happy, be strong, and don't lose faith
Things will turn soon for the good very soon....
I have to quit now because I'm running out of rhymes
and I have to pee....but keep the faith!

So I am not a poet. If there's a bright side, think of it as a crappy poem for crappy times. You know it's true. My poem is a reflection of uncertain times.