Narratives of the Disengaged: The Job Search

Dear IL Primary Candidates: I'm Not Your Ho.

The Illinois primary election took place yesterday, and I'm happy to have been a part of the trifling voter turnout to let my voice be heard. I have an inaudible but optimistic dream that someday I'll be able to pick up where I left off....at the very least...two years ago. But my dream is left in the hands of politicians who will say anything to win my emotions. I fell for that before. I feel like I should be awarded a t-shirt that would say, "I Voted for Obama and all I got was this Lousy $25 in my Unemployment Check."

In my heart, I know not to expect much. I hope to be proven wrong, but the reality is that after some careful review of all the candidate's platforms, they ALL have one thing in common: job creation. There is no denying that job creation is one of the biggest issues facing our country today (This blog wouldn't have existed if that wasn't the case). My problem, however, is my ability to separate fact from fiction. As I analyze the platforms, I ask myself, 'Is job creation a top priority because candidate X really fucking cares, or is X saying that to win my vote?' Like someone whispering sweet nothings into my ear, this is a mantra that easily resonates with me. But don't throw me a line of bullshit just to sleep with me, or in this case....win my vote. I'm not your ho. Save that crap for your mistress.

I saw none of the Obama charisma. The only person that might even come close is Alexi Giannoulias (who, I'm pretty sure, has MANY ho's) who uses the following tag: "Jobs:A Big Issue" or something to that effect. Well, it's sexy and all, but perhaps it was silly of me to want something more. For example, rather than suggest another type of stimulus package, how about suggesting something along the lines of, 'Guess what? China's economy is BOOMING. As American citizens, we must ask ourselves WHY. With that said, I will fight to the death to remove ALL of the manufacturing jobs OUT of China and back into the American economy, where there will be job growth, and most importantly, put an end to the constant worry for the consumer in regards to product recalls.'

But no. That would be common sense. And sadly, common sense isn't all that common.

Not one candidate has proposed anything even remotely close to that. It's a bunch of mindless chatter that everyone has heard before. It is for that reason I did not watch the State of the Union in its entirety last week. They are all bullshit dialog that I've heard more times than I care to admit. I really thought that when I voted for Obama, I would be employed by now. Instead, I got an increase. Still no job, no health benefits of my own, no retirement money, no promise for the future. I know one day our economy will get back on track, but I'm skeptical as to whether yesterday's winners have the potential of turning things around. And I have the right to be.

Everybody talks. Nobody listens. If there ever comes a day where a politician has demonstrated superior listening skills, that, to me, represents REAL change.

We can only hope.

The Year is 1990: What the f*ck is a Human Resources Dept.?!

I initially began my job search experience in the middle of my senior year in high school. I've held previous gigs in the whole fast food thing which, needless to say, didn't last long, and telemarketing was not something I foresaw in my future. I really wanted to start out in a basic clerical job, then work my way up. That is, after all, how previous generations climbed up the ladder. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me. So, I start perusing the help wanted ads.

In retrospect, it can be assumed that I am having as much difficulty now as I did then in terms of my experience. In those days, the only experience I had was working the cash register and being able to count back change using my head. Not very many employers were willing to hire a high school senior with little to no office experience, even though I was determined to get a part-time office job. I thought for certain there would be an employer that would be willing to work with my schedule (Monday thru Friday, 3-7pm-ish, or thereabouts) so I could focus on graduating. Needless to say, I didn't have very much luck.

I decided to put my clerical fascination on hold until after I graduated high school. My father's dream was that I attend college, which I did, but only for a short awhile. My need to work on a full-time basis nullified any desires to obtain academia success. I start hitting the help wanted ads once again.

By this time, I had just gotten married, and settled in a one-bedroom apartment in a quaint suburb of Chicago. In the days before the internet, I subscribed to every local paper as well as the biggies (Sun-Times, Tribune) just to conduct my job search. At that time, jobs were aplenty, but there were few jobs that were willing to interview an inexperienced youngin' barely out of high school.

My difficulties were legitimate. Hell, I probably wouldn't interview me either. On the contrary, I knew plenty of folks who were in the midst of changing jobs, enhancing their careers, and/or climbing up the corporate ladder. They didn't have very much difficulty in getting interviews. All they did was send a resume via snail mail, and if they had any kind of skill set that would be relevant to the job, they had potential. There was no such thing as fighting to get a response through e-mail....there was no e-mail! Resume tracking databases and the online job applications were ethereal. There was no such thing as a "second interview." If the hiring manager liked you, you'd get a call back with an offer in a matter of days. There was no such thing as asinine psychological assessment tests. In reading this, you might think I'm dating back to about fifty years ago. The truth is....I've only gone back fifteen.

Online Job Boards: Poisonous to Your Health

I am not a fan of online job boards of any variety. Just a few days ago I perused the Careerbuilder web site (out of desperation) and I was quickly reminded why. Bait and switch jobs have run amok. The military is clearly determined, and the "work at home" cartel are audacious. Page 1 of my search was quickly scrolled to the bottom and clicked for the next page. Page two was no different, so I clicked to page three, and four, and five....

...I gave up. This is insane. The old school versions of Monster and Careerbuilder was tolerable, as you can find at least two legitimate jobs. Now, even if there are legitimate postings, they are incredibly hard to find because of the necessity to weed out the bullcrap. No thanks. If I'm going to weed out anything, it will be from my garden, and nothing else.

From what I've read, however, more and more people have removed the rose-tinted glasses when it comes to internet job boards as far as reliability. Even recruiters have started confessing (slowly but surely) that job boards haven't been all that successful as far as reaching out to potential candidates. Sadly, even the local newspapers don't even have their own classified section online anymore, instead they have proudly advocated "partnerships." The Chicago Sun-Times and Herald News have partnered with Monster. The Daily Herald and Gatehouse Media have partnered with Yahoo's Hot Jobs. When these papers made the initial announcement of such partnerships, perhaps they didn't realize it was more to their benefit than the jobseeker. Since they cannot get enough orders for help wanted ads in their own right, they have resorted to desperate measures. This partnership is a logical idea on a revenue sense since classifieds are well below last year's figures due to hiring freezes and overall lack of jobs. They have to get the revenue from somewhere, but to allude jobseekers that there are plentiful jobs is a complete farce. These boards are damaging on both ends, and serves absolute no purpose except to achieve the goals of their advertisers.

It is now being suggested to stay clear of the major job boards, only to stick with job boards that pertain to your field (as in, "niche" job boards). That's wonderful and all, but unfortunately we are still dealing with the internet. I have come across peculiar job postings on mediabistro and journalismjobs.com that is considered head-scratch worthy. On several occasions I've come across job postings where the header read one thing and the job description read another (mostly alluding to sales). I still come across the "unknowns" as in, "Company Confidential," or "Company Unknown." As long as they are online job boards of any sort, there will always be the useless spam of some sort.

That's the one thing I've always hated about the internet. It makes everything very unpersonable and way out of reach. Come across a job posting that's the job of your dreams? Well you have to fill out an online application, go through tons of servers, and get a generic, electronic auto-response that's blandly worded as if they're trying to give you the warm fuzzies. And maybe....just maybe...the user on the other end of the line is talented enough to punch those magic words to make your resume appear on their computer like magic....otherwise you will never get a human response. This lack of interaction is toxic. 

I prefer the old school way of doing things. Talk to everyone you know (I don't mean Facebook and especially LinkedIn). Get your ass off the couch and drive around for any hints of help being wanted. Get that company's information. Conduct the search manually and cold call. Send flowers. Bake them a cake. You never know...sometimes radicalism works!

Blame Fido for the recession. It's all the rage!

Before you start reading the world's longest blog post, let me just begin by stating I do not have children of my own. Many will argue that if I had children, my stance on my position would change. I regret to inform you that my position would NOT change, because I am NOT a wishy washy kind of girl. Everyone, including the four-legged variety, has blood running through their veins, they have feelings, and they communicate. Just because an animal does not manipulate words and sentences in the same manner humans can, that doesn't make them less worthy. If you think otherwise, stop reading NOW and go back to your internet porn....or whatever you were doing previously. Meanwhile start chanting....

...repeat after me: unemployment is not my pet's fault. Unemployment is not my pet's fault. Keep chanting that until it finally settles deep inside your brain.

I know the economy is bad. I am well aware that people, including myself, have lost jobs due to the disparity that is the recession. We all have to make due with what we have, fix what is broke as opposed to buying new, clip coupons, and eliminate frivolous spending. I do not consider any type of care for your pet as "frivolous." It saddens me greatly to hear about people giving up their pets, as they don't have the money to care for them any longer. After all, as far as our society is concerned, it's easier to dump your pet to a place where they will receive "better" care. What our society doesn't realize, "better care" equates to eternal peace. Is it really fair to take your supposed once-loved four-legged friend to a strange animal shelter, and cut the pet's life short? To the people who have given up their pets because they could no longer afford them: can you HONESTLY say you have exhausted all measures of money-saving methods? Did you make the switch from Merrick's dog food to Purina? Did you eliminate the bonus treats from your pet's diet? Most importantly...did you take the time to speak with the veterinarian for advice on the care and well being of your pet during these rough economic times? Have you even thought about/discussed arrangement of a payment plan with the veterinarian so that the pet can get the care it deserves? That's not possible, you say? I say that is BULLSHIT. I am willing to bet that most people did not go the extra mile. That just infuriates me, because the mentioned alternatives are indeed POSSIBLE. Here is my story....

In April of 2007, my cat (Pookie) was diagnosed with feline diabetes. At that time, I had an advantage, as I was working for the animal clinic at the time of his diagnoses. That meant I got all exams, treatments, and medications half-price as an employee discount. At first, he was put on Glipizide, but that didn't seem to do much as far as regulation. After a month of very little progress, I decided to go full force and go the insulin route. Naturally, my veterinarian was elated over my decision, and immediately prescribed a beef/pork insulin at $40 a pop. With insulin, syringes are needed, which is $30 for a box of 100. Then comes the frequent initial glucose screenings (glucose screenings are mandatory to adjust the dosage). By the way, all mentioned costs include the employee discount.

How To Achieve World Peace by Firing Yourself

All throughout my career I've overheard numerous comments from colleagues relating to disdain and inconvenience relating to their job. People choose to whine, bitch, complain about the little details, because that's the easy way out rather than focusing on doing what they were hired to do to begin with. The phrase, "if you don't like your job....quit" is nothing further from the truth. That is exactly what I did in the summer of 2004.

I realize that was a very dumb move. I can't help but ponder had I decided to stay and suck it up, would I even still be there today? The answer to that would most likely have been 'no.' My last employer recently undergone major staff cuts and did not exclude employees that have been there for fifteen or more years. I was just shy of my four year anniversary with the company.

The JC Skinny on the "Cisco Fatty"

Common sense is fading very fast in our society. Too often, our society falls victim to sympathetic measures with those that should have complied with street smarts, but didn't instill for whatever reason. Perhaps it's my age, my outlook on life, and the difficile job search have shaped me to lean towards the dark side. People often refer to me as "mean" as I don't fall into the "poor you" demeanor very often. As someone who's been in the job market since July, I find very little reason to be sympathetic towards someone who just plain clearly should have known better. Common sense, sadly, isn't all that common. But it should be. In fact, it should be a law.

The recent phenomenon over the girl who lost her job in "140 characters or less" have made me become rather condescending. I find it hard to sympathize with someone who posted certain information on the internet and then respond like a deer in highlights.

A college graduate (I forgot her name, but if you know the story, you know it anyway) applies for a job with Cisco. She gets hired for the position, and decides to tweet her "enthusiasm" via Twitter to her college pals:

"Cisco just offered me a job! Now I have to weigh the utility of a fatty paycheck against the daily commute to San Jose and hating the work."

What she didn't realize was that her tweet was publicly announced on the world wide web, as she forget to limit her tweets to friends only (or in Twitter's case...."followers."). An affiliate with the company (or something) saw her tweet:

"Who is the hiring manager. I’m sure they would love to know that you will hate the work. We here at Cisco are versed in the web."

Needless to say, she lost the gig, and curtailed from there. That involved name-calling, releasing her personal information, and quickly became the laughing stock on Twitter and everywhere else. I do not condone such barbaric measures, and people honestly need to find something better to do than go the extra mile in making this girl's life miserable. The damage has been done, and people need to get past this. However, I'm not expected to be sympathetic with her actions, and any defense mechanism she has used just adds fuel to the fire.

She admits in her blog that she used bad judgment. As much as it pains for me to confess this...I am not perfect. I am fully aware that I have said and done things that were construed entirely out of bad judgment. Though I never reached worldwide stardom as she has, the idea of coming up with any kind of defense is illogical. After balancing her infamous and absurd tweet in her blog, she quickly proclaims she personally knows every single one of her 45 followers. I'm not impressed. With the exception of one person, I personally know every single friend on my Facebook profile (35). From my perspective, if she truly wanted to keep it intimate from the beginning, why didn't she choose Facebook to make such updates, instead of Twitter? On Facebook, you have the option of privatizing your profile so you can make as many snarky remarks as you want, and outsiders would be left out in the cold. On my Facebook page, I eliminated the "Add as Friend" button, because I would prefer you send me a message (Send a Message) indicating who you are and why you want to add me as a friend. I am beyond college age, and even I have figured this out. This girl, freshly out of college, was not aware of such internet intricacies. I find that very hard to believe. But that probably makes me an "internet superhero." Cool! I'll be sure to add that to my resume under "Career Achievements."

The remainder of her blog post discussed Twitter in general, and the many perspectives on how Twitter can be ultimately used against you. I can agree that Joe Public doesn't always use Twitter to the fullest potential, and/or use it as a vehicle to to proclaim their superiority to the world. But here lies the important discretion when it comes to Twitter: use common sense. Twitter, from my perspective, is an internet version of a tavern, with a few good articles thrown in. You have the free will to tweet anything you like, and share any kind of information you're willing to share. Or not. That's the beauty of it. If you're lucky, you make a few pals along the way, and help promote their cause, whatever that may be. At least, that's my idea of Twitter. My sarcasm is best left to those who know me well or at least familiar with my style...so, I head over to Facebook. Sometimes, my witticisms will sneak its way through Twitter, but some things can't be helped, as it reveals a large part of my charisma. As far as privatizing my tweets, I do not protect my updates. I feel that if I protect my updates, it defeats the purpose of Twitter to begin with. So, I proceed with caution with what I tweet, while implementing some common sense (oy, there's that dirty word again) along the way.

Keeping the theme of my blog in mind, one could easily conjure the argument that I am no better than Cisco Fatty, maybe even worse. The difference here is, 1) I'm not using my real name, 2) I frequently psycho-analyze all aspects of my job search, which, as far as I'm concerned, reveals some truth, and 3) I have nothing to lose. I do not have a job waiting for me in the wings, unlike the "Cisco Fatty" girl.

In turn, my blog can be used against me for revealing what appears to be an anti-team spirit oriented approach. One could easily wonder about my willingness to go above and beyond. The flipside is that I'm allowed to say and feel anything I want, and my opinions do not reflect on job performance. Some folks may see that differently, and that is a chance I am willing to take. "Cisco Fatty" girl just flat out said "this job's gonna suck" in a polite way, but she has to realize that she, too, must understand and accept the consequences. 

If you make a worldwide mistake, own up to it and move on. Accept the criticisms with dignity and perhaps put some thought into disabling your Twitter account along the way. Don't criticize Twitter for your actions. As far as the folks that continue with name-calling and other barbaric tactics...just STOP. Any cruel and unusual internet tactic will not make her undo her infamous tweet. What's done is done. There's no turning back the clock. If there were, I'd love to turn back the clock on a lot of my past interviews. Common sense will go a long way. Know it. Use it. Love it.

Unemployment rocks my leprechaun balls!

It is a beautiful spring day in the Midwest. There is not a cloud in the sky. The birds are out in full force. Spring flowers are peeping just an inch above the ground as a reminder that Spring is almost here. There's corn beef and cabbage in the slow cooker, and the entire home is embellished with a festive air with a cross between the corn beef and the highly welcoming Spring fresh air. I am currently sitting on my deck as I type this, and it's been long overdue. There are pros and cons to being unemployed. This is definitely a pro.

Back in the "glory" days when I was working full-time, I recall going to work begrudgingly on days like today. I love to be outside every waking moment, so lunch time couldn't come fast enough. Sometimes I would return from lunch tardy on purpose, but this kind of weather never puts anyone in a bad mood as I never got in trouble for it. In fact, my peers were very understanding.

Even though I enjoy days like today, this is not to suggest that I'd rather be home for the rest of my life. While I'm laughing at everyone (including my husband) that have no choice but to commute during inclimate circumstances, a little part of me wishes I was part of the laughing stock. I enjoyed my moments commuting to and from work, because that was my one and only time I am entitled to get lost in my own world. I do have that time now, in fact, maybe it's a little too much. That was certainly the case during the winter, where I was trapped in the house because it was too cold or there was a snowstorm. Indeed, I was suffering from massive cabin fever. That would not have been the case if I was working.

On the contrary, I would not have taken the time to prepare a celebratory home-cooked meal for the hubs for St. Patty's Day. He is only a third Irish, but loves everything about the culture. He's a good guy who deserves a hearty, home cooked meal, but in the days when we both worked, home-cooking was not possible. I am the type of girl who after a long days work, all I want to do is go home and unwind. I hated the idea of slicing, dicing, frying, baking right when I got home. The clean-up was the worst. On the occasional moment where we cooked and sat down for dinner, by the time we were done with cleanup, it was nearly time for bed.

Yes - it's safe to assume I miss those days. I still go to bed early and wake up by 6 am, because the last thing I want to do is fall into the trap of not sticking to schedule. I prepare coffee for the hubs, check the e-mail, feed and medicate my precious 12 year old diabetic feline, Pookie, eat breakfast, feed my two very spoiled beagles, and then figure out what the heck to do for the rest of the day. When I was working, I ALWAYS had something to do...anything to keep my brain from turning into mush.

A friend made a comment to me last night about my unemployment. He said, "Enjoy it." He must have sensed my skepticism, because then he followed it up with, "Take the time to do all the things you've always wanted to do. When you get to be my age, you don't want to have to look back at your life regretting about the things you haven't done."

He is in his mid-70's, and his words came out like words of solace. I never thought I'd appreciate such words of advice, but there was something about his wisdom that made me feel more at ease. Then it occurred to me...all the things that I want to do involves money! What's a girl to do?

At any rate, I will enjoy unemployment in celebration of warmer air, leprechaun love, and a bright outlook for the future. Beautiful weather like this puts me in a fantastic mood by default. In addition, I have applied at three positions this week so far, two of which match my qualifications perfectly. I am pretty sure that's a record. Long live Spring and a happy St. Patty's Day to all!

Death to the "What If" monster

I dared to add a post on Friday the 13th. This goes to show how adventurous I am. Not that I'm superstitious. Ok, maybe I am a little. There's always that "what if" possibility. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of Mr. What If hanging over my head just to terrorize me.

Which brings me to the subject of resume reconfiguration. What if I customized it according to the job I'm applying for? What if I changed to a functional format as opposed to hybrid? What if I changed it to chronological version? By doing any of these things, I might just increase my chances of landing an interview. That also depends if the moonlight is shining in just the right spot.

I cannot help where the moon decides to cast its light. I am capable of formatting my resume in all sorts of ways, but I do not have the ability to control someone's mood. After doing a bit of research on resume reconfiguration, I have concluded that shorter is better, but there is no definitive answer on the "best" format. It depends on the mood. I am fighting with moods.

This "resume coach" says that. This hiring manager says this. A recruiter says 'perfect as long as the sun is shining.' The other recruiter says, 'perfect as long as the sun is shining and it's 80 degrees.' Well....what the hell? Clearly, there is no right or wrong answer. If it's just a matter of striking the right mood, I might as well let sleeping dogs lie and wait for which dog will wake up from its nap and take a bite out of me.

I cannot help moods. I cannot help the reading preferences of others. I cannot gamble on the "what if" possibilities because I'm fully aware that life is too short. On the contrary, I inhabit the infamous characteristic of a Virgo, which is the habit to get pissy over things I can't control. As a job seeker, this gets me especially pissy. If only I knew the golden answer why my resume frequently gets skipped. It's a matter of keywords, you say? Yes, the recruiting world will often advise using the right keywords....but they'll never tell you what those keywords are! Those tricky dickies!

My resume has not changed its format in the last ten years. Obviously it was functional enough to get the attention of previous employers. It's obviously not broke, and I'm not fixing it. So what's changed in all that time? The people have changed....not my resume.
Having said all that, it's senseless for me to over-analyze and spend precious time re-configuring my resume when it's really a matter of striking the right chord. Hell, I'm still searching for a resume hitman. My resume is inconvienant is hell. It's bothering me and taking up uneccesarry space on my hard drive.

As you can tell, I'm not a big fan of my resume, or any resume for that matter. By releasing my resume to random strangers, they now know everything there is about my work history. But what if I don't wish to reveal everything up front? What am I supposed to talk about in the interview? Doesn't almost every interview include questions to the likes of, "So tell me about your work history?" or "tell me how you got started in this profession?" Redundant. I'm basically repeating my resume with a bit of added flair. It's just like a blind date. If I knew everything there is to know about that person ahead of time, from his childhood nickname to his past three divorces, I would be less inclined to go out with him, because the mystique just wouldn't be there.

Yesterday I applied for a position and did not include my resume in its entirety. I only included relevant work history, computer skills, and education. Am I hiding anything? Hell to the no. If by chance I get selected for an interview, I will be more than happy to reveal my life story at that time. As I always say...at this point I've got nothing to lose.

Money. Greed. We get it.

There is a reason why I do not get overly excited about welcoming the new year anymore. So far the new year has been dismal. Not just from my end, but it has been dismal to close friends and relatives.

I received more bad news yesterday. In addition to the Dow falling 299 points, my husband phones me from the road with some "interesting" news, as he put it. My brother-in-law was let go from his job after many years (not to mention the hours he put in) with the employer. And it was really shitty the way his employer handled it.

My brother-in-law took a short leave of absence because of surgery on his knee. He informed the employer that he was scheduled to have the surgery and he is expected to go through physical therapy afterward. With this in mind, he made sure all bases were covered before he left, and even trained someone to fill his shoes while he was on leave. I heavily suspect that was his biggest mistake. While still in rehabilitation, he received a phone call from his (former) employer and informed him that his services were no longer needed.

Once upon a time, employers used to really go out of their way for their employees. At one time they showed genuine support and realized their employees played a major role in helping their business succeed. I'm not just referring to monetary measures. I'm talking about genuine support, the kind of inquiries that reach out to the folks who are going through health, financial, or emotional obstacles. For example, back in the day, perhaps the employer would send a small basket of flowers, or even a card, to say "Get well soon...we look forward to seeing you back on your feet!" But no. None of that happened with my brother-in-law. Instead, his (hypothetical) card read, "Thanks for training someone to take your place. Your services are no longer needed because you inadvertently saved us money by cutting our payroll. Oh...did you have surgery on your knee or something? We got so excited over your replacement, we hardly noticed. Best of luck to you."

I know there are some legal loopholes that prevent former employees from suing in cases like this...but can it be any more obvious? Employers today just doesn't give a crap about their employees. It's all about money. And greed. And money....did I mention greed?

I frequently have this debate with my husband, whose argument is always the same. "That's how business is. You're in it to make money. Nothing more."

"Be that as it may, but you can't make money if you don't have employees to develop and enhance the product for you!" I would say.

His retort: "If there is no demand, it doesn't matter what the employees do. It's a fundamental strategy of business....supply and demand."

My brother-in-law was a head chef. Don't people always want to eat? Considering our country's eating habits, my husband's fundamental strategy would not apply. But getting the most bang for your buck would.

Cptn. Sully Sullenberger, famous for "Miracle on the Hudson," got his pension cut and 40% reduction on pay in the last few years. I would think there will always be frequent flyers, mostly business. I wonder how my husband's logic would apply here? It doesn't. It's about getting more bang for the buck.

Spike O'Dell, a widely known broadcaster on WGN radio, recently "retired" last December. His show dominated the morning radio airwaves in the #1 spot for several years. Having said that, there was an obvious demand for his style and quick wit. The Tribune Company decided they couldn't afford him anymore, because he was THAT good. He was THAT valuable. Logic tells me that employers would hold onto valuable employees like Spike. Unfortunatley, The Tribune Company decided that money was more important, and proposed a "retirement package." Take this offer, or we're going to fire you anyway.

Unfortunatley, that is all the rage with employers these days. I often wonder if they are really hurting or if it's just a conspiracy to enhance their price per share. The poor attitudes that is being displayed nowadays gears me towards the latter. I just wish I could have written a more uplifting post, but I can't find it in me to be funny right now.

I suppose I can find solace in the fact that I know I'm not alone in this situation. But until we can eradicate the greed that's ruining this country, I remain nervous and skeptical at the same time.

I can't wait for my next job interview, as I will be asking the employer about THEIR long term goals. Where do THEY see themselves in five years?

Put a little twist on your "E-thanks"

I've always sent thank you letters after every interview. It's not because I believe they will cast any magical spell on the recipient and hire me, but because my mama raised me right.

I come across this question from jobseekers across the web, often wondering about whether or not they should follow-up with a thank you note after an interview. First of all, most thank you notes aren't even notes, or letters. The majority of them come in electronic form (call it an "e-thanks" if you will). Even if one decided to go the extra mile and hand write one, there is still never a guarantee that you'll get the job. It all depends on how the recipient perceives it, which you have no control over.

Having said that, I've never been a big fan of sending such correspondence. I do it because it's just a courteous thing to do. However, after my last interview, my e-thanks campaign will be no more. The bottom line is that when you send that note of thanks, the fact remains that you're kissing ass, no matter how hard you may try to dissect this theory. And people love their asses getting kissed. In this day and age, nobody deserves to get their ass kissed. You could, however, put a little twist on your note. Since the employer can probably sense you're kissing ass anyway, hand write something along the lines of:

Dear Prospective Employer (who I know will hire me because of this thank you note):

I would like to sincerely thank for giving me the opportunity to interview for the Account Executive position with The Chicago Tribune Suntimes. Sorry about the typo. I have found the interview to be very informative and my interest in the position remains strong.

I feel that it's important to explain why I have a strong desire to work for your company. My interest really isn't that strong, I'm just desperate for a job. Everyone else has turned me away and you seem nurturing enough to cater to my needs. I need money...plain and simple. I am as smart as you think and I can make a mean ass pot of coffee. I can make copies of my butt like no other, and I'm fluent enough in Photoshop where I can superimpose a picture of Nadya Suleman on my ass. Quite entertaining, but you'll never get an opportunity to see this if you don't hire me.

In conclusion, I need you and you need me. Together, we can seek world domination!

Signed with sunshine kisses and puppy licks,

Judi Sassafrass

"Job coaches" and other "hiring professionals" may advise that sending a thank you note/e-thanks wouldn't hurt, and may even put you at the top of the heap, but I disagree. What would put you at the top of the heap is how well you marketed yourself during the interview. If the prospective employer saw stars in his eyes during the interview, no thank you note is necessary. Your personality and your credentials will speak for themselves.

On the contrary, I've never been a big fan of interviews either. I don't do interviews well because I have to display that ideal "Corporate America attitude" and provide a bunch of pussy language while feverishly explaining how I can be a benefit for the employer. I am forced display the "fake" me, and I've never been any good at faking stuff except for...well....you know....orgasms. That's a girl thing. Anyway....even I was good at presenting the fake me, there is still no guarantee that I will be able to perform the job effectively, from the employer prospective. This is why I am a huge fan of letters of recommendation, because there lies concrete evidence that you were a valuable asset to that company.

My point is I like to be judged based on what I DO, not what I say. I am the type of person who judges people by their actions, and in my naivety I expect people to reserve that type of judgment. I have a feeling that my stance on that issue is somehow being projected in my interviews, so I supplement my chances of getting hired with an e-thanks. I've realized however, if you had an interview that didn't go as planned, or even created some sort of chemistry with the interviewer, no thank you note in the world will save face. You'll have much better luck with letters of recommendation and a great interview.